(Spoiler: They’re simple, science-backed, and totally life-changing)
Let’s be real: emotions can feel like a full-time job. One minute you’re fine, the next you’re spiraling because someone left you on read, you forgot one thing on your to-do list, or your brain decided to revisit that one awkward thing you said three years ago.
Emotional regulation isn’t just for therapists and monks—it’s for everyone. And it turns out, some of the most effective strategies aren’t taught in school, aren’t talked about enough, and definitely aren’t gatekept by professionals like me (promise 😉). So let’s break that door wide open.
Today, I’m going to show you the emotional regulation techniques experts don’t want you to know—not because they’re secret, but because the world hasn’t done a great job of making them accessible.
By the end, you’ll not only understand your emotions—you’ll have a whole toolkit to handle them like a pro.
But First… What Is Emotional Regulation?
Emotional regulation is your ability to manage how you respond to emotional experiences. It’s not about bottling up your feelings, ignoring them, or pretending everything’s fine.
It’s about:
- Recognizing what you’re feeling
- Understanding why
- Responding in a way that aligns with your values and goals
When you regulate well, you feel more grounded, less reactive, and more in control of your life—even when it’s messy.
📘 Want a super approachable deep dive? Grab Your Emotions and You by Suzette Bray—a workbook that helps you understand your emotions and work with them, not against them.
The Myth: You’re Either “Emotionally Strong” or You’re Not
Here’s what they don’t tell you: emotional strength is a skill, not a personality trait.
Most of us didn’t learn these skills growing up. In fact, we were often taught to “calm down,” “toughen up,” or “get over it.” Sound familiar?
That’s why emotional regulation feels so out of reach—it was never modeled for us.
But good news: it’s never too late to start learning. And DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) is one of the most powerful frameworks for doing exactly that.
📗 Check out DBT Explained if you want a no-fluff breakdown of how DBT skills can totally reshape the way you handle emotions.
Expert-Level Emotional Regulation Skills (That Are Shockingly Simple)
Let’s jump into the real stuff—techniques therapists use and teach every day, but most people never hear about unless they’re in session.
🔥 1. Urge Surfing
Urges to lash out, shut down, scroll for hours, or eat the whole pantry? Totally normal. But you don’t have to act on them.
Urge surfing teaches you to ride out the wave without letting it take the wheel. Instead of reacting, you say:
“This urge is strong, but it will pass.”
You can track the intensity on a 0–10 scale and watch how it shifts. Pair this with breathing or a grounding technique, and suddenly you’re not controlled by the emotion anymore.
📘 Want guided practice? Download the Urge Surfing Workbook—a powerful tool with step-by-step exercises to help you ride the wave and regain control.
🃏 Also try the DBT Cards for Coping Skills for portable prompts to reinforce skills like urge surfing, distress tolerance, and emotion regulation throughout the day.
🧠 2. Name It to Tame It
Research shows that labeling an emotion actually reduces its intensity. So instead of saying “I feel like garbage,” try:
“I’m feeling overwhelmed, with a hint of shame and maybe a little fear.”
It might sound weird, but it’s neuroscience-backed. When you name your emotion, you engage the prefrontal cortex and disengage from the amygdala’s panic party.
🎯 Need help finding the right word?
Download the free Feelings Wheel to pinpoint your emotion with more clarity and precision.
🧾 Want to take your emotional vocabulary even deeper?
Grab the free Emotional Literacy 101: Ways to Describe and Identify Emotions to help you name, frame, and regulate your feelings more effectively.
The more specific you are, the more power you have to regulate—and eventually transform—your emotional experience.
🌬️ 3. Paced Breathing + Cold Exposure (TIPP Skills)
TIPP is one of DBT’s best-kept secrets for quickly shifting your emotional state.
It stands for:
- Temperature (cold exposure—think splash of cold water or ice pack)
- Intense exercise (jumping jacks or a brisk walk)
- Paced breathing (inhale for 4, exhale for 6)
- Paired muscle relaxation (tighten/relax muscle groups)
These skills hack your nervous system and are especially helpful for panic, anger, and dissociation.
🧊 Support tools:
🌀 4. The STOP Skill
- Stop
- Take a step back
- Observe
- Proceed mindfully
STOP gives you a split-second of space between feeling and reacting. Use it before sending that text, walking into a tough conversation, or when emotions hijack your body.
📝 Pro tip: Post it somewhere visible. Let it interrupt your autopilot.
💡 5. Opposite Action
When your emotions are pushing you toward something unhelpful, do the opposite:
- Anxiety says “Avoid.” You lean in.
- Depression says “Shut down.” You move, even if it’s just brushing your teeth.
This DBT skill is one of the most empowering tools for disrupting emotional inertia and taking aligned action.
🃏 DBT Coping Cards are perfect for reinforcing opposite action and other core DBT skills with visual, easy-to-use prompts.
Emotions Aren’t the Enemy—They’re the Message
Sometimes, the most regulated thing you can do is pause, feel the thing, and offer yourself compassion.
That’s why I created Your Emotions and You—to help you understand your emotions instead of fearing them, and work with them instead of running from them.
It’s not about being perfectly calm—it’s about learning how to care for your internal world with more skill and self-trust.
Recap: Your Emotional Regulation Essentials 🎒
Here’s a quick roundup of your toolkit:
📘 Your Emotions and You – Build emotional understanding
📗 DBT Explained – Learn the principles and core skills
🃏 DBT Cards for Coping Skills – Quick reminders on the go
📓 Urge Surfing Workbook – Practice riding the wave instead of reacting
🌈 Feelings Wheel – Free printable to identify emotions more precisely
📥 Emotional Literacy: 101 Words for Feelings – Free guide to expand your emotional vocabulary
🌬️ Sensory Tools, Cold Mask, Essential Oils – Tools for quick physiological regulation
Ready to Master Your Emotions?
🟣 If you’re in Arizona or California, I offer DBT-informed therapy and coaching designed to help you build emotional regulation skills with clarity and confidence.
This isn’t a comprehensive DBT program, but a real-life, flexible, skill-based support system built around YOU.
🟣 Outside AZ or CA? Try Online-Therapy.com—an online therapy platform with licensed professionals, DBT-based worksheets, and structured guidance to help you feel more balanced.
✨ Use code THERAPY20 to get 20% off your first month.
Final Thoughts: Emotional Regulation Isn’t a Luxury—It’s a Lifeline
You don’t have to live in a constant state of reactivity or shutdown.
You don’t have to be ruled by your feelings.
You don’t have to be perfect. You just have to be willing to learn.
Emotional regulation is a skill. It’s learnable. Trainable. And so, so worth it.
